It's been a year since I posted that I was going to start kicking things into gear and loosing weight. At that time I wasn't even as serious as I thought I was about it. I thought that writing it down and sharing it with my whole facebook world that I would be. But I never really got serious about it until we moved. Which was also one year ago this month.
I hope that what I am about to say doesn't offend anyone that I know from Ephraim, because I do miss people. I miss our friends and family that we left behind, but I don't miss the place. I don't miss the feeling of bumping into someone and having them still see me as "the Wilson girl who got a DUI when she was 16." I never thought that moving away from everyone I know would play a role in feeling better and good about myself, but it has. I have learned so much about myself ever since we moved away. I wanted to loose weight so that I would feel better about myself. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. But I never realized how much better I could feel about myself. And I haven't even reached the goal weight that I set for myself one year ago. I don't know if I ever will.
But in the process of loosing weight, I've also gained a lot. I can run 10 miles! I will be up to 13.1 by the end of this month when I run my first half marathon. I couldn't have done that when I was skinny. I never even considered it when I was skinny. My junior year of high school(and for those of my friends who are thinking "When was that, like last year?" It was 6 years ago thank you very much.) Anyways, I gained 20 pounds that year, doing what I thought at the time was making me feel better. As I spent the weekends partying with my friends the physical and emotional weight I put on myself was terrible! But when I finally came to my senses, all I had to do was stop drinking alcohol and soda, and I not only lost the 20 pounds, but I lost some extra.This time around, I was still sworn off of soda and alcohol, so I knew that it wasn't going to be as easy of a fix.
As we have started our new lives, in our new home, away from everyone we knew, I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned how to push myself to accomplish a goal. After running up the hills that I live by, it's amazing what other things, physical and emotional, I have been able to push myself through. All I have to do is remind myself that if I can make it up that hill, I can do anything! Seriously, you should see this hill!
I have learned that sometimes I have to be the strong one in the family. Whether its when Kastyn falls down on the cement and needs to cuddle with Mommy. Or when Wesley comes home from a bad day at work. I will admit that often time those days happen more often then I would like them to. And that I usually don't have the patients for it. But I'm not letting him break down. Because that's not an option.
I have learned that I don't have to be angry and hold grudges. In all honesty, I'm still trying really hard on that one. But there have been many times that I have had to just bite my tongue, and walk away. All those things still sit with me, and I think about them daily, but unlike my first instinct, to freak out and give them a piece of my mind, I have realized that its not worth the drama. Now, if your sitting here thinking, "O no! I hope I haven't done something to make her feel this way." Don't worry! I'm not very sensitive. And the few people that I am talking about will probably never see this. Which is one thing that probably makes saying this easier.
In one certain situation, I know that this is not going to last. I know that I am going to get fed up and that S**t's going to hit the fan. And I hope that it wont ever be as bad as I think it is going to be. But as I sit and wonder why these things are happening, I cant help to be angry, And I am not angry for myself, I'm angry for Kastyn, because its not fair to him.
Finally, I have learned that it is ok to enjoy cleaning and cooking. I never thought I would say that!! But some days, the only thing that saves me from boredom is getting out the broom or the vacuum cleaner. I used to hate making bread, or sugar cookies, ANYTHING for that matter because I didn't want to have to clean it up. But now, the mess is worth it! It is so gratifying to make something from scratch. I have always enjoyed that satisfaction from a craft that turned out good, but now I get it with baking as well. And its so much fun to me. I enjoy planning parties and having people over to see the fun things that I like to do, and share with them the things that make me happy.
All in all I am feeling really good about myself! I have made a lot of very good friends since we have moved and I enjoy every second of living here! I may have not become as "small" of a person as I want to be physically, But I am becoming a much bigger person emotionally, and that is worth everything!
