It has come to my attention that I have developed an attitude and become "full of myself" since I lost weight. This new revelation has brought me to a little of an emotional break down in the last couple days, as well as has been weighing on my mind.
I gained 60 POUNDS!!! throughout my pregnancy. Before that I had never weighed more then 155 pounds...and that was really hard for me to hit that. No matter how much weight you gain during pregnancy, every woman feels HUGE while they are pregnant. Take that feeling and then show a 5' 3'' girl who had a hard time weighing 150, and show her, at 39 weeks pregnant that she now weighs 213 pounds! Talk about a kick in the face! And no, no matter how many times people tell you "It's ok. You're supposed to gain weight while your pregnant." Its not OK! I used being pregnant and being on bed rest as an excuse to totally let myself go. And I did not feel good about myself at all!
When Kastyn was born, I knew that the whole going back to your normal self right after you deliver thing was a total myth for Hollywood...and those of you who are lucky enough to be that way. But the first time I walked into the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror, I was still disappointed. But there was still the thought in my head that all I had to do was go home and enjoy my baby and everything would go back to normal.
After 8 months of eating "healthy" every once in a while, going walking once a week and expecting it to help, and moving away from the place I was most familiar too, where my family was, I finally realized just how crappy I really felt about myself. So I started running. It was so so hard at first. When I couldn't even run a mile without stopping to walk I thought there was no way that I was going to accomplish my goal, which was to run a half marathon. But as I kept up with it, I surprised myself by how well it started to make me feel. I became addicted! I am not even close to the fastest runner out there, most of the people I know that run, finish their races about 10 min faster then I do. But I am ok with that. Because running has helped me not only find myself again, but better myself. And I have now ran 2 half marathons.
Running is my therapy. It gives me 30 min. to 2 hours, to myself to just think through things and clear my mind. It has helped me to not over-react to things that frustrate me. For anyone who knows my family, we are not known to have small tempers. Although at times I have a short temper, I have never thought of myself as a mean person, or someone who is full of their self. I have always tried to go out of my way to be nice to people and make friends whenever I can. I have never had a lot of friends. I was always the girl who only had a couple good friends and thats it. So I have always taken any opportunity to make new friends.
I am really happy with the person I am. I am not the type to put stuff like this on facebook, and I am not posting this so that I can see how many people will read this and tell me how nice of a person I am. I guess that I just wanted people who think that I have become "full of myself" where I'm coming from. I have worked my ass off to get myself to where I am today and yes, I am very proud of myself. But never in my entire life have I ever thought that I was better then anyone.
So to anyone who I have offended, or made feel bad because I have changed a little bit, I am sorry. I really am sorry if I have ever hurt anyone, that was never my intentions. But I am not sorry for working on myself. And I am not sorry for speaking my mind. I will not sit and stew over this anymore, and I will not let people get me down by saying mean things about me.
Oct 1, 2013
Apr 4, 2013
One year later...
It's been a year since I posted that I was going to start kicking things into gear and loosing weight. At that time I wasn't even as serious as I thought I was about it. I thought that writing it down and sharing it with my whole facebook world that I would be. But I never really got serious about it until we moved. Which was also one year ago this month.
I hope that what I am about to say doesn't offend anyone that I know from Ephraim, because I do miss people. I miss our friends and family that we left behind, but I don't miss the place. I don't miss the feeling of bumping into someone and having them still see me as "the Wilson girl who got a DUI when she was 16." I never thought that moving away from everyone I know would play a role in feeling better and good about myself, but it has. I have learned so much about myself ever since we moved away. I wanted to loose weight so that I would feel better about myself. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. But I never realized how much better I could feel about myself. And I haven't even reached the goal weight that I set for myself one year ago. I don't know if I ever will.
But in the process of loosing weight, I've also gained a lot. I can run 10 miles! I will be up to 13.1 by the end of this month when I run my first half marathon. I couldn't have done that when I was skinny. I never even considered it when I was skinny. My junior year of high school(and for those of my friends who are thinking "When was that, like last year?" It was 6 years ago thank you very much.) Anyways, I gained 20 pounds that year, doing what I thought at the time was making me feel better. As I spent the weekends partying with my friends the physical and emotional weight I put on myself was terrible! But when I finally came to my senses, all I had to do was stop drinking alcohol and soda, and I not only lost the 20 pounds, but I lost some extra.This time around, I was still sworn off of soda and alcohol, so I knew that it wasn't going to be as easy of a fix.
As we have started our new lives, in our new home, away from everyone we knew, I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned how to push myself to accomplish a goal. After running up the hills that I live by, it's amazing what other things, physical and emotional, I have been able to push myself through. All I have to do is remind myself that if I can make it up that hill, I can do anything! Seriously, you should see this hill!
I have learned that sometimes I have to be the strong one in the family. Whether its when Kastyn falls down on the cement and needs to cuddle with Mommy. Or when Wesley comes home from a bad day at work. I will admit that often time those days happen more often then I would like them to. And that I usually don't have the patients for it. But I'm not letting him break down. Because that's not an option.
I have learned that I don't have to be angry and hold grudges. In all honesty, I'm still trying really hard on that one. But there have been many times that I have had to just bite my tongue, and walk away. All those things still sit with me, and I think about them daily, but unlike my first instinct, to freak out and give them a piece of my mind, I have realized that its not worth the drama. Now, if your sitting here thinking, "O no! I hope I haven't done something to make her feel this way." Don't worry! I'm not very sensitive. And the few people that I am talking about will probably never see this. Which is one thing that probably makes saying this easier.
In one certain situation, I know that this is not going to last. I know that I am going to get fed up and that S**t's going to hit the fan. And I hope that it wont ever be as bad as I think it is going to be. But as I sit and wonder why these things are happening, I cant help to be angry, And I am not angry for myself, I'm angry for Kastyn, because its not fair to him.
Finally, I have learned that it is ok to enjoy cleaning and cooking. I never thought I would say that!! But some days, the only thing that saves me from boredom is getting out the broom or the vacuum cleaner. I used to hate making bread, or sugar cookies, ANYTHING for that matter because I didn't want to have to clean it up. But now, the mess is worth it! It is so gratifying to make something from scratch. I have always enjoyed that satisfaction from a craft that turned out good, but now I get it with baking as well. And its so much fun to me. I enjoy planning parties and having people over to see the fun things that I like to do, and share with them the things that make me happy.
All in all I am feeling really good about myself! I have made a lot of very good friends since we have moved and I enjoy every second of living here! I may have not become as "small" of a person as I want to be physically, But I am becoming a much bigger person emotionally, and that is worth everything!
I hope that what I am about to say doesn't offend anyone that I know from Ephraim, because I do miss people. I miss our friends and family that we left behind, but I don't miss the place. I don't miss the feeling of bumping into someone and having them still see me as "the Wilson girl who got a DUI when she was 16." I never thought that moving away from everyone I know would play a role in feeling better and good about myself, but it has. I have learned so much about myself ever since we moved away. I wanted to loose weight so that I would feel better about myself. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. But I never realized how much better I could feel about myself. And I haven't even reached the goal weight that I set for myself one year ago. I don't know if I ever will.
But in the process of loosing weight, I've also gained a lot. I can run 10 miles! I will be up to 13.1 by the end of this month when I run my first half marathon. I couldn't have done that when I was skinny. I never even considered it when I was skinny. My junior year of high school(and for those of my friends who are thinking "When was that, like last year?" It was 6 years ago thank you very much.) Anyways, I gained 20 pounds that year, doing what I thought at the time was making me feel better. As I spent the weekends partying with my friends the physical and emotional weight I put on myself was terrible! But when I finally came to my senses, all I had to do was stop drinking alcohol and soda, and I not only lost the 20 pounds, but I lost some extra.This time around, I was still sworn off of soda and alcohol, so I knew that it wasn't going to be as easy of a fix.
As we have started our new lives, in our new home, away from everyone we knew, I have learned a lot about myself. I've learned how to push myself to accomplish a goal. After running up the hills that I live by, it's amazing what other things, physical and emotional, I have been able to push myself through. All I have to do is remind myself that if I can make it up that hill, I can do anything! Seriously, you should see this hill!
I have learned that sometimes I have to be the strong one in the family. Whether its when Kastyn falls down on the cement and needs to cuddle with Mommy. Or when Wesley comes home from a bad day at work. I will admit that often time those days happen more often then I would like them to. And that I usually don't have the patients for it. But I'm not letting him break down. Because that's not an option.
I have learned that I don't have to be angry and hold grudges. In all honesty, I'm still trying really hard on that one. But there have been many times that I have had to just bite my tongue, and walk away. All those things still sit with me, and I think about them daily, but unlike my first instinct, to freak out and give them a piece of my mind, I have realized that its not worth the drama. Now, if your sitting here thinking, "O no! I hope I haven't done something to make her feel this way." Don't worry! I'm not very sensitive. And the few people that I am talking about will probably never see this. Which is one thing that probably makes saying this easier.
In one certain situation, I know that this is not going to last. I know that I am going to get fed up and that S**t's going to hit the fan. And I hope that it wont ever be as bad as I think it is going to be. But as I sit and wonder why these things are happening, I cant help to be angry, And I am not angry for myself, I'm angry for Kastyn, because its not fair to him.
Finally, I have learned that it is ok to enjoy cleaning and cooking. I never thought I would say that!! But some days, the only thing that saves me from boredom is getting out the broom or the vacuum cleaner. I used to hate making bread, or sugar cookies, ANYTHING for that matter because I didn't want to have to clean it up. But now, the mess is worth it! It is so gratifying to make something from scratch. I have always enjoyed that satisfaction from a craft that turned out good, but now I get it with baking as well. And its so much fun to me. I enjoy planning parties and having people over to see the fun things that I like to do, and share with them the things that make me happy.
All in all I am feeling really good about myself! I have made a lot of very good friends since we have moved and I enjoy every second of living here! I may have not become as "small" of a person as I want to be physically, But I am becoming a much bigger person emotionally, and that is worth everything!
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