It has come to my attention that I have developed an attitude and become "full of myself" since I lost weight. This new revelation has brought me to a little of an emotional break down in the last couple days, as well as has been weighing on my mind.
I gained 60 POUNDS!!! throughout my pregnancy. Before that I had never weighed more then 155 pounds...and that was really hard for me to hit that. No matter how much weight you gain during pregnancy, every woman feels HUGE while they are pregnant. Take that feeling and then show a 5' 3'' girl who had a hard time weighing 150, and show her, at 39 weeks pregnant that she now weighs 213 pounds! Talk about a kick in the face! And no, no matter how many times people tell you "It's ok. You're supposed to gain weight while your pregnant." Its not OK! I used being pregnant and being on bed rest as an excuse to totally let myself go. And I did not feel good about myself at all!
When Kastyn was born, I knew that the whole going back to your normal self right after you deliver thing was a total myth for Hollywood...and those of you who are lucky enough to be that way. But the first time I walked into the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror, I was still disappointed. But there was still the thought in my head that all I had to do was go home and enjoy my baby and everything would go back to normal.
After 8 months of eating "healthy" every once in a while, going walking once a week and expecting it to help, and moving away from the place I was most familiar too, where my family was, I finally realized just how crappy I really felt about myself. So I started running. It was so so hard at first. When I couldn't even run a mile without stopping to walk I thought there was no way that I was going to accomplish my goal, which was to run a half marathon. But as I kept up with it, I surprised myself by how well it started to make me feel. I became addicted! I am not even close to the fastest runner out there, most of the people I know that run, finish their races about 10 min faster then I do. But I am ok with that. Because running has helped me not only find myself again, but better myself. And I have now ran 2 half marathons.
Running is my therapy. It gives me 30 min. to 2 hours, to myself to just think through things and clear my mind. It has helped me to not over-react to things that frustrate me. For anyone who knows my family, we are not known to have small tempers. Although at times I have a short temper, I have never thought of myself as a mean person, or someone who is full of their self. I have always tried to go out of my way to be nice to people and make friends whenever I can. I have never had a lot of friends. I was always the girl who only had a couple good friends and thats it. So I have always taken any opportunity to make new friends.
I am really happy with the person I am. I am not the type to put stuff like this on facebook, and I am not posting this so that I can see how many people will read this and tell me how nice of a person I am. I guess that I just wanted people who think that I have become "full of myself" where I'm coming from. I have worked my ass off to get myself to where I am today and yes, I am very proud of myself. But never in my entire life have I ever thought that I was better then anyone.
So to anyone who I have offended, or made feel bad because I have changed a little bit, I am sorry. I really am sorry if I have ever hurt anyone, that was never my intentions. But I am not sorry for working on myself. And I am not sorry for speaking my mind. I will not sit and stew over this anymore, and I will not let people get me down by saying mean things about me.
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